That was five years ago. What followed was the slow, quiet shrinking of my life that I didn't fully realise was happening until my grandson Tyler — five years old, gap-toothed, the best thing in my world — stopped asking me to chase him in the backyard.
He didn't make a big deal of it. He just stopped asking.
Because he already knew what would happen if he did.
I'd say yes. I'd run for thirty seconds. And then I'd be bent over with my hands on my knees, making a sound that scared him, while he stood there with those big confused eyes not understanding why grandpa always had to stop.
He stopped asking me to chase him around the time he turned four. I noticed. I didn't say anything about it. But I noticed. And it was the heaviest thing I've ever carried — heavier than the COPD, heavier than the diagnosis, heavier than the inhaler I took twice a day without fail and that wore off every four hours like clockwork.
I had quit smoking to be there for my family.
Instead I was watching them from a lawn chair.
My mornings started the same way every single day. Wake up. Chest full of wet concrete. Forty-five minutes of coughing, hacking, sitting on the edge of the bed just waiting for my airways to cooperate enough to let me function.
I took the elevator at work and told people it was a knee injury. Cold air was a trigger. Exercise was a trigger. Laughing too hard at the wrong moment would set off a coughing fit that lasted five minutes and left me bent over a table while people pretended not to notice.
I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without stopping halfway. Not because I was unfit — I was doing everything my doctor told me to do — but because something in my chest would lock up around the sixth or seventh step and refuse to let air through.
My daughter pulled me aside at Tyler's birthday party — he was running laps around the backyard with his cousins, shrieking, completely out of his mind with joy — and she said quietly: "Dad, are you okay? You look grey."
I was sitting in a lawn chair. I'd been sitting there for forty minutes because the walk from the car to the backyard had taken everything I had.
"I'm fine," I said. "Just a little tired."
She looked at me the way my wife looks at me. The look that means she knows I'm lying and she's too scared to push it.
I watched Tyler blow out his candles from that lawn chair. I watched him open his presents. I watched him run and laugh and live with every cell in his body the way five-year-olds do. And I sat there with this weight in my chest that had nothing to do with the COPD and everything to do with it — this grief I couldn't name out loud because naming it would make it real.
I was becoming a spectator in my own family. Not because I didn't want to be there. Because my body wouldn't let me.